Well, thanks for clearing that up for the rest of us

This post comes from the comments section of this article.

Y'all know my opinions on gay marriage.  In the interests of making fun of stupid people being fair and presenting both sides of the issue, here are some of the arguments against gay marriage, as presented by the intelligent, level-headed readers of Yahoo! News:

Imperial decadence and on Obama's watch (actions speak louder than words).

This doesn't end well. ~Anonymous

Well. My first marriage didn't end well either.  Perhaps I am hopelessly naïve in thinking that it had nothing at all to do with gays getting married and everything to do with his inability to keep his dick in his pants.  Thanks for clearing that up, dude.  What's this imperial decadence stuff, though?  More Godiva chocolates?  I was given a Godiva chocolate once by a gay man, you know.  Because he was consoling me when I was crying over the end of my marriage.  I'm sure there was some hidden effort to convert me to the Gay Agenda, and I just didn't notice for the copious amounts of vodka I was consuming.

WHY NOT MARRY SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX THEN THINGS WILL WORK TOGETHER PROPERLY!!!!! ~Samuel

(Sidenote: Doesn't Courier make everything look snappy?)  I'm really not sure what ol' Sammy was getting at here.  I can only assume it to be an allusion to sex--ie, the whole Tab A into Slot B thing...To which I can only say, sadly, "Sammy, honey, you must have a very boring sex life."

I am opposed to same-sex marriages on religious grounds. However, I do not oppose a state allowing these couples to marry. In order to be married in this country you must meet certain requirements. If a state or territory wishes to change those requirements, then they have every right to do so. But the people in those communities also have the right to object and elect new leadership. This is not a matter of civil rights. No person has the right to get married unless they meet certain state requirements. No person has the right to become a licensed plumber unless they meet certain state requirements. If the people within a state or territory do not wish to see the requirements for a license changed, then they have the right to attempt to keep it the same. That doesn't make anyone mean, ignorant, or stupid. Just like choosing to have a relationship with with a person of the same sex does not make one mean, ignorant, or stupid ~Marshall W

Marshall almost sounds intelligent here, doesn't he?  "No person has the right to become a licensed plumber unless they meet certain state requirements."  Well, honey, here's one of many places where your analogy fails: the state doesn't disqualify an entire section of individuals simply because of who they are.  It would be a valid example if, say, women were disqualified from becoming plumbers (or people who religiously keep their ass-cracks covered), or if people getting married practiced their trade of being married on a wide variety of people in a manner that directly impacted their health and sanitation.

Next on the list... human-animal marriage. Why can't two consenting creatures of a different species get married. It just makes sense? Right? ~Devin D

Y'all knew that one was coming, didn't you?  Ho-hum.  Let me open up the Right Wing Nutcase Handbook and see what's the next argument I'm supposed to make.  Oh, yeah, here it is (in the added emphasis, of course):

Only 100 couples. The way they scream and whine you would have expected 1000's to show up.
Immorality again pushed on society..Pretty sad state where in..Where once was wrong but is now considered by a small minority as right. Bought and paid for with special interest money.

Marriage is between a man and woman and has stood for over 5,000 years. Now it is being made into a mockery to passify a deviant homosexual agenda. Its a Sad day indeed.. ~Robert

'Cause, of course, we all know marriage hasn't changed at all in 5,000 years.  That's why Erik is preparing to grab a bunch of his buddies and saddle up and go kidnap a 12-year-old girl from a neighboring tribe.  (Me, I'll have to remain his inamorata, 'cause divorced women can't get married again.)  And don't you love the random misspellings and capitalization?

It's a sad day for GOD.... When is everyone going to wake up and realize the sad state of world morality = world wide calamity!!!  ~MB

 You go, dude!  Live the Word!  You've got that "love one another as I have loved you" thing down PAT.

GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE ... A WOMAN AND A MAN.... GAYS AND WOMEN WHO SLICE UP THIER BABIES IN THEIR WOMB THATS CALLED ABORTION WILL NOT ENTER HEAVEN.... ~Johnny

So, since my womb isn't called abortion, I can slice up all the babies I want and still get into Heaven?  Sweet!

Another nail in the coffin of civilization. Someday when society is on the verge of collapse, people will look back on traditional families and traditional marriage and traditional gender roles and realize that it wasn't all some Christian, right-wing conspiracy. But, rather, clearly what mother nature had intended all along. ~Kelly G

 Wait, I thought gay marriage meant society is on the verge of collapse?  Oh, so we've got a little while longer.  Let's all go back to the good ol' days of traditional gender roles, when women were property and there was no such thing as rape in marriage.  I'm sure God smiled on all that, didn't He?

Gays already get it easier at home since they live with the same sex. Living with the opposite is much harder thats why the book "Men are from Mars women are from Venus". So now marry the same gender and your speaking the same language since your both from Mars or Venus, plus if your the same size as your partner you just doubled your wardrobe. Gays may have it a bit tougher out in society but its a lot easier in the home since they are living with someone from the same planet. Plus now we let them adopt so they can have kids too. So give the Gays marriage, kids, tax benefits and a easy life at home.
I would love to be gay and live with my buddy, it would be much much easier.
But its not the plan. God, Nature, whatever you want to call it its not the plan or right. And its not fair they get to live with their same sex "buddy". ~Develper

 Wow.  Okay.  I had no idea how much easier it is to be gay!  Oh, the under-appreciated joys of being screamed at and condemned to hell by random people on the street and having the shit beat out of you for daring to be Gay in Public.  Good times, good times.  I wanna be gay!

What kind of Man would want to look at another Man's hairy A$$ AND SAY "WOW THAT LOOKS GOOD".... THAT'S JUST NASTY! ~Melissa

 Well, plenty of women look at men's hairy asses and say "Wow, that looks good!" (or what the fuck was the point of all those "Cowboy Butts Drive Me Nuts" t-shirts back in the 1990s?).  So why can't men?  I mean, this is the part I've never understood.  I'm down with the gays, 'cause God knows I loves me some....Well, I don't have to spell it out, do I?

The bible says "Adam and Eve", not Adam and Steve. ~Earl A

 ***looks around***  Well, hell.  That settles it.  Obviously all the arguments about how a minority (of a minority, given voter turnout) should not be able to force its views on a majority, of how all men, endowed by their Creator with certain rights, should be allowed to exercise those rights, of how the government really has no business in anyone's marriage, etc etc fall down into insignificance before this.  How blind I have been!

(Hand to God, I just lost like 10 IQ points to bring this to y'all.  Next time I'll have my buddy Erhan go through and cull quotes for me.  He can spare the points.  I'm not sure I can anymore.)