Can't talk; cuddling children.

This is a short update because the library (only place I have access right now) isn't really set up for families when it comes to using the computer.

The hearing has been put off yet again, but Judge Noll doesn't play the whole "kids can't see mama" bullshit thing. So right now we have 50/50 custody. I have them this week & Rob next, save we swap for 3 hours on Thursdays. It's OK. Not great, since there's no permanent orders yet, but OK. I had to be sure to take them to church yesterday to show them off, and had to take them back again today to show one of the volunteers. They'll be going Sunday too, of course. I could not have done this without the help of the good people at St Mark's.

There has been lots of cuddling & hugging and attempts to nurse going on. My youngest is determined to get some milk out of me through sheer willpower.

I'm elated to have something good to post.

The following message is brought to you by my daughters:

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I'll go back to making fun of liberals soon, I promise.

Interesting day, yesterday. My hearing got put off til Monday. Rob had asked for over a month but was going to be given two weeks...Funny how prohibiting your wife from seeing the children doesn't fly too well in court.


Wish me luck, y'all. Worst case scenario is Rob as the custodial parent & me as the visiting parent. Obviously, that's not what I'm hoping for, but he's not a bad daddy. Sucky husband, good father.

My hopes for fixing things seem to be for naught. Even the judge tried to convince Robert to go for counseling, and he flat refused. In the long run things will be OK, but right now it's hard to see that.

Many, many thanks for all your good wishes on my last post.

I don't want to do this.

Get a divorce, that is. Every single cell of my being, every bit of my soul rebels at the notion. I am having a difficult time gaining perspective, of asking how the man who loved me so much could do something that even he was obviously unhappy about. I know that he cried about it, I know that he was unhappy about it, because even though I didn't know exactly what he was filing as I was leaving we spent some time together that day and so I saw the aftermath of it.

I know this isn't exactly a new phenomenon, and that I'm far from the first to do this. But it is a brand new thing to me, & therefore a new pain.

And frankly losing a marriage on top of losing a pregnancy sucks so much it's on its own level, I think.

Real Life Sucks

I try to abide by the rule that Thou Shalt Not Post Thy Shit on the Internet. So I will not go into a lot of detail right now. Suffice to say that my last post, regarding my miscarriage, actually represents the least of my worries right now.

Two or three entries down is the story of how I met my husband. I wrote it on a Friday. He left me that Sunday. Though I have been a writer for as long as I have had the capability, words fail me there as well. Sometimes I feel hopeful that the estrangement will end. Sometimes I don't. He told me he still loves me "a little." That doesn't mean a lot in context, but I am a hopeless romantic and so I cling to that and to a few other things. If he stays gone, eventually I will realize fully that it's his loss, but you don't end ten years of loving someone easily, or quickly. And, frankly, I'm not ready for it to end at all.

We have a hearing coming up on the 18th, which only deals with custody. Thus far, neither of us has filed for divorce. But the custody issue is a huge one. So if anyone's in a charitable mood, think good thoughts for all of us then.