Friday, October 05, 2012

I guess it evens out in the end?

I hate things like this: Pregnancy Week: After the Baby

The article is, in its own words "designed to really help you through that six week recovery period after you’ve had your new little baby."  Help you do what?  Simultaneously debase yourself and treat your husband like a particularly stupid adolescent, that's what.

Some of the tips:

*Call your husband, ‘Daddy’. Talk to your baby about how special Daddy is. Be sure to let Daddy feel of your love in how you portray him to your baby from day ONE.

*Sing songs like, “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home” to your baby when Daddy can hear you.

*Lay out your husband’s pj’s, pull the covers back on his side of the bed, and put his favorite book on his pillow so he can relax before going to bed.

*Talking to your hubby about ways he can help you out around the house or with the other kids is a great way to be on the same page. Then make sure he gets a reward for the help… it could be anything from when the six week recovery is over to some cologne he has wanted. 

*Back rubs are great after a new baby – but do them naked! Then you can finish off with a little play action on him – he still gets to see you naked, YOU get a MUCH earned massage, and he gets a little ‘relief’ at the end of it (if you know what I mean)

*Mop the floor on your hands and knees while he’s eating a late night snack
 There are some things that are so overwhelmingly misogynist that they circle around into being misandrist, and this is one of them.

I'm not sure which aspect of this is most offensive--the idea that a woman recovering from childbirth (and I'm not sure how many of you men fully realize this, but it is an incredibly bloody, painful, and exhausting time for a woman) should be giving her husband erotic massages complete with happy endings, or the idea that a man needs to be constantly coddled and petted for being a father to his kid.

I'm not saying women shouldn't show appreciation, but this takes it into flat-out weird territory.  He needs a "diapering kit" with rubber gloves, goggles, and a clothespin for his nose?  Seriously?  Not to mention a copy of The Idiot's Guide to Being a New Dad?  (Way to tell your husband what you really think of him, ladies!)

There are a couple of good tips in there.  Yes, ask him about his day.  Yes, let him do his own thing with the baby even if you think it's not the right thing (OMG, when women hover and correct their husbands, I want to slap them, but that's another blog post for another time).

Look, I married a fellow grownup.  He doesn't need to be flashed my boobs and given a freaking hand-job to know I find him sexually desirable, and frankly I'd think less of him if he did.  Yeah, it sucks having to wait a month or a month-and-a-half to have intercourse, but you know what?  Some things you just have to suck up and deal with.  The idea that the onus is on the woman--who is bleeding heavily, praying her pelvis will go back together soon (y'all, this hurts), and possibly dealing with things like stitches, bruising, painfully swollen breasts, and acute sleep deprivation--to somehow manage to be sexy on top of all of that is about the most jaw-droppingly offensive thing I have read in a while.  That it comes from an actual female (well, allegedly; this is the Internet) makes it that much worse.  Some gals just need a hearty kick in the crotch.


peter said...

That kind of person is having kids too, and those kids are probably growing up to be Obama voters. Haha The whole thing is weird. You're the one that had the baby but it sounds like he is the one who needs to recover. And the one about mopping the floor on your hands & knees is insane. It's not a fun thing to do anyway but it seems like that would be even more uncomfortable after having a baby.

Borepatch said...

Or you could just bring him his pipe and slippers (and a martini) at the end of the day ...