30 Days of Truth: Day 1

I saw this on another blog, and since I'm trying to get into the habit of posting more often, I figured I'd take it up.  Of course I'm still going to be doing my more usual posts too.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

This one is actually pretty difficult for me.  Hate is a strong word, and while I don't think it's one you shouldn't use in regard to yourself, the truth is I actually like myself rather well.  It hasn't always been this way, of course, but right now I'm actually pretty content.

But there's something.

What do I hate?  My lack of follow-through.  I imagine this is something everyone struggles with to some extent, at least some of the time.  But it seems epic for me.  Nature or nurture, I couldn't say, but it's the truth that pretty much all of my family is chronically lazy, save for when it comes to trying to game the system.  And since I have no interest in, say, claiming disability, that means I'm lazy pretty much all the time.

And this means that I'm really nowhere in life.  I had a dream the other day that I realized suddenly that my 15-year high school reunion was coming up, and I had nothing to show for it.  In reality, that reunion will be next year some time, but the truth is I still have nothing to show for it.

The only thing I've ever really wanted to be in life was a mother.  And I am one.  I love my kids.

But being a stay-at-home mom, even one who is simultaneously a college student, doesn't really help economically.  I need to change something.

I learned to fear change as a child.  It was never good.  And every time something promising loomed in the future, it fell through.  Which is a trend that has continued into my adulthood, by the way.

So a lifetime of this has left me sort of paralyzed when it comes to doing big stuff.

I have a short story sitting here on my computer.  It's really freaking good.  It's urban fantasy, with the main character from the novel I should be working on.  It's 7K words, which is pretty chunky for a short story, but I can't pare it down anymore without losing some important stuff.  I have a magazine identified for it...but it's just sitting there.  See, if I don't send it out, I can't be rejected.  I can still be considered a great writer by my small circle of friends, rather than a mediocre one by a larger audience.  So it sits.  And I am not happy with myself that it sits, but as of right now I'm too scared to submit it.

And yeah, I hate that about myself.