Monday, January 31, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

I saw this on another blog, and since I'm trying to get into the habit of posting more often, I figured I'd take it up.  Of course I'm still going to be doing my more usual posts too.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

This one is actually pretty difficult for me.  Hate is a strong word, and while I don't think it's one you shouldn't use in regard to yourself, the truth is I actually like myself rather well.  It hasn't always been this way, of course, but right now I'm actually pretty content.

But there's something.

What do I hate?  My lack of follow-through.  I imagine this is something everyone struggles with to some extent, at least some of the time.  But it seems epic for me.  Nature or nurture, I couldn't say, but it's the truth that pretty much all of my family is chronically lazy, save for when it comes to trying to game the system.  And since I have no interest in, say, claiming disability, that means I'm lazy pretty much all the time.

And this means that I'm really nowhere in life.  I had a dream the other day that I realized suddenly that my 15-year high school reunion was coming up, and I had nothing to show for it.  In reality, that reunion will be next year some time, but the truth is I still have nothing to show for it.

The only thing I've ever really wanted to be in life was a mother.  And I am one.  I love my kids.

But being a stay-at-home mom, even one who is simultaneously a college student, doesn't really help economically.  I need to change something.

I learned to fear change as a child.  It was never good.  And every time something promising loomed in the future, it fell through.  Which is a trend that has continued into my adulthood, by the way.

So a lifetime of this has left me sort of paralyzed when it comes to doing big stuff.

I have a short story sitting here on my computer.  It's really freaking good.  It's urban fantasy, with the main character from the novel I should be working on.  It's 7K words, which is pretty chunky for a short story, but I can't pare it down anymore without losing some important stuff.  I have a magazine identified for it...but it's just sitting there.  See, if I don't send it out, I can't be rejected.  I can still be considered a great writer by my small circle of friends, rather than a mediocre one by a larger audience.  So it sits.  And I am not happy with myself that it sits, but as of right now I'm too scared to submit it.

And yeah, I hate that about myself.


peter said...

I know what you mean. I'm lazy too. Of course I'm finally back in school like you are to do something about it. Coincidentally I have also thought, tho not dreamed, of being at a high school reunion with nothing to show for all my time off. I have three years to my 25th so hopefully I'll have accomplished something by then.

Dave said...

Send off your short story and if you get rejected, just don't tell any of us readers who think you are a mighty fine writer.