One of the promises I made myself after my divorce was that I would no longer pretend that everything was all right if it wasn't. I actually blogged about it, but I can't find the post now, of course. Not that it matters. I remember it; it was a graphic saying "never say anything bad about your husband." And yeah, no. Tried that stiff upper lip thing last time around, and it failed miserably.
So I've refused to do it this time around. I do my damnedest to not badmouth my husband very much, 'cause he's a good guy and like the saying goes I'm one of his choices, so...
But I did let loose a while back, and rediscovered the thing that always happens if you vent: You will be told, in so many words, that he has to be "trained."
Trained. Like a dog. WTF? I'm supposed to roll up a newspaper and bop my husband on the nose if he ignores me too often? Tempting, yes, but more than a bit demeaning to the man in question.
But maybe I'm being naïve.
See, somewhere along the line, I got the idea that marriage involved two grownups and there would be less of a need to repeat myself to my husband the same way I do to my kids. I thought that I would say something, and that my other half would either do it or object, and if the latter we would go from there. In my ever-logical mind, saying "I'd really appreciate it if you could take out the trash in the mornings when you leave for work" would either a) get the trash taken out in the mornings or b) earn a response of "No", "I'll try to remember," or hey, even "Fuck you."
What I get, though, is no response at all. The trash got taken out...hmm, three times in a row. And then once or twice a week, and then not at all. If I was dealing with a child, I would expect to have to repeat myself. But I'm not.
And the trash is not the only thing, just an example. I am a typical emotional pregnant woman, and I am getting really close to flying off the handle because every time I look around me, I see more evidence of the simple way things "work" in this marriage: I say something, and I get ignored unless it's something my other half was evidently planning to do anyway. Mind you, I'm not told "No, I don't think that's a good idea" or hey, even "Fuck you." It is ignored as cleanly, as fully, as if I had said nothing at all.
Speaking of things that are demeaning? Being ignored is high up on that list. Because there is literally nothing I can do about it.
So, you know, maybe that rolled up newspaper idea isn't so far off the mark after all.