Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I am feeling burnt out.

Not on this blog, on school. I've already been at this two-year school far too long. First, I changed my major, and I need an idiotic number of hours in order to get even my AA. Then, I decided to take an extra year because of having Marie, then I decided to take an extra semester to try to bring my GPA back up (because, you know, 3.6 sucks). And now...

Now, I just do not want to do it. I feel like I am just barely treading water. I love the subject and, were circumstances different, I would happily devote my whole adult life to academia. English is one of the cliche useless degrees. Unless you're planning to become a teacher, there isn't a whole hell of a lot you can do with it.

I never really swallowed the line that going to college guaranteed one a good future, but I am surrounded by degree holders who, by and large, are struggling like crazy. With one exception, no one is working in the field they're degreed in, and although I adore the exception, I would be utterly miserable trying to pursue a Math degree. (But everyone else should! Or computer science!) I'm tempted to shift my schooling focus to something computer-related, but everything at SAC requires a higher math than I have, or else another five semesters worth of stuff because I have NOTHING. So that's not bloody likely.

All in all, I'm feeling as though this line of academic pursuit is keeping me from what I actually give a damn about. I have had to send Erik off walking with a crying Marie more than once so I could write a paper or take an exam, and although I got an A and great compliments from my Technical Writing professor, it's scant salve. I am stressing about tests and snapping at my kids when I try to do homework--unable to help them with theirs--and I hate it. I'm not getting any writing done, and now that I'm starting back in on American Lit II, I'm not going to get much reading done. It's unpleasant.

I did not get to round two of the midwifery school scholarship; while disappointing, it's unsurprising. I had to postpone doula training because of the unexpected move and the truck repairs. The story I grew brave enough to submit was rejected & I haven't found another good possibility. I cannot in good conscience leave school without an alternate plan, and right now I just don't have one.

The strange thing about it all? In spite of the burnout, I'm actually pretty happy. We got our tax issues straightened out. Erik got a better (although still not fantastic) job. I've been able to buy several of the things we've been desperately needing for awhile now. The kids are in a charter school again, & while it's not as good academically as I'd like, it is a sight better than their previous school.

Most areas of my life are really really good, in fact, & I strongly suspect that's part of the problem: it is throwing this final area of discontent into stark relief, & I have no clear path out of the swamp I've gotten myself into.

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